Your family picture has changed, and now you’re wondering how to help those little hearts process all the big feelings that come with it. I see you—trying to keep it together while wiping tears (theirs and yours), answering impossible questions, and wondering if you’re doing any of this right. I have definitely been there.
The struggle is real because while you’re trying to help them process their feelings, you’re still sorting through your own emotional tornado. You’re asking yourself: “How can I help my children process their feelings about our family changes when I’m still figuring it out myself?”
Here are five things that you can watch out for and do something practical about when it comes to your kiddos. The great thing about these are that it’s what you need too! God has an amazing way of helping you as you help them, so you are always one tiny step ahead – which is all that’s needed.
1. You Are Their Safety and Stability
First things first—you are their safety and stability, so put down that guilt. Children are way more resilient than we give them credit for, especially when they have one solid parent who’s really there for them. That is you!
2. Create Safe Spaces for Messy Feelings
The secret sauce here isn’t having perfect answers—it’s creating safe spaces for messy feelings. Kids don’t need you to fix everything; they need permission to feel and help to navigate. One of my kiddos would burst out in anger and storm off. We had so many discussions about feeling anger and how to process it. Little bite size pieces that he could understand – that we ask for some space, and what happens in that space and how to come back for a talk after that space.
Don’t be surprised if some of their feelings are toward or about you. Don’t take it personally. You are their safe space, they have to be able to share it all with you. This one came right up in my face several times with one of my children. In one instance, she was really mad at me because I couldn’t drive her places anymore since I now had to work after being a stay at home mom all her life. I wanted to shout, is somebody kidding? You’re dad put us in this situation, and you’re mad at me! But, I ended up talking it out over froyo and explaining how I was also very sad. Sometimes as an adult, you have to do things that aren’t always awesome, but that we would get through. And we thought of some ways that we could spend other time together.
3. Address Their Sense of Powerlessness
This leads me to number three, powerlessness. You feel that too! There is a huge sense of floundering and fear and powerlessness over their own life just as being kids, but more so in divorce because just like you – it’s not a choice they would have likely made. Something you can do here is to give them a sense of autonomy and power over things they can decide within reason, not letting them decide everything out of your mom guilt.
Things like how their room is decorated, or picking out school clothes, etc. I had date day with each of my kids once a month. They got to choose their favorite thing to do. Even though it could be different every time, they all kind of settled into Chili’s, froyo and Chinese. It was just one-on-one time, their choice. We talked about whatever they wanted.
4. Provide Age-Appropriate Explanations
Number four is simple: age-appropriate explanations work best. For older kids, you can share a bit more, but remember—they don’t need the adult details. One of my little guys had a tendency to always worry about money. I would answer honestly, that I was handling all the details of money so that he didn’t need to worry. I was going to make sure he had food and a warm bed, and that’s all he needed to know right then. I didn’t need to explain the budget or how we were behind on a few bills or how I was looking for a second job.
Remember that children often can’t name their feelings like we can. Their emotions come out sideways—through stomachaches, tantrums, or suddenly forgetting how to do things they’ve done for years. That’s normal! Help them connect those physical signs to emotions: “I notice you’ve had headaches before school. I wonder if you’re feeling worried about something?”
5. Let Faith Be Your Comfort
Lastly, number five—your faith and God’s love can be a comfort to both of you. Pray with them, remind them that God sees their hurt and stays close to broken hearts (secretly take note of this for yourself!). Show them that even Bible families had messy chapters, and God didn’t abandon them. Tell them that God can handle their big feelings and so can you, that both you and God love them very much no matter what.
Try This: The Family Feelings Fishbowl
This week, try the “Family Feelings Fishbowl.” Get a jar and some colorful paper. Have everyone in the family write down or draw one feeling they’ve had about your family changes. Once a week, pull one out and talk about it together.
Share your experience in the comments—what feelings surprised you? What did you learn about your children that you didn’t know before?
And remember, if your child’s reactions seem extreme or don’t improve with time, it’s okay to reach out to someone. That’s not failure—it’s courage.
xo ♥️
Kristi
