Let’s talk about something raw and real – anger. Anger at him, at God, at your family, his family, even yourself. Anger when you have to see him at kid pickup, when child support is late, when mutual friends take his side. Anger that you have to be both mom and dad, and even worse than that – you get to be mean, rules mom and he gets to be Disneyland Dad. There is even anger at church, everything just feels so off and awful.
Sometimes I would feel so angry I could barely breathe. I would hang up the phone, run to the bathroom and cry and scream into a towel, “God! I hate him so much!!” Girl, I see you. The anger burning in your chest at 3 AM, the way you have to clench your jaw during those awful exchanges about schedule changes, and even the guilt you feel for being angry when you’re trying to be a good Christian mom. You may even feel guilt about lashing out at him in your moments of overwhelming anger.
Here’s something that might surprise you: anger isn’t un-Christian. David filled entire psalms with anger. Anger, even reactionary anger to the injustices against you, is often a sign that something valuable has been violated – your trust, your family, your future.
The key isn’t to suppress it; it is to process your anger in healthy ways.
Here are 5 Bs you can do:
Be honest – with God and yourself – God can handle your raw emotions. One thing I love about the Psalms is that David is completely honest with God, even in his deepest anger.
Breathe through it – there are so many different types of breathing exercises that you can do in order to regulate your nervous system. A few of the more popular, easy to remember are box breathing, belly breathing, bubble breathing and hand breathing.
Be kind to yourself – Even if you messed up and burst out in anger, still speak kindly to yourself. As if you were helping a friend process their anger.
Be mindful of your mouth – Eventually, I heard God break through to my statements of “I hate you.” God reminded me that no matter what my ex did, I didn’t want to be a person filled with hate. I wanted to- no needed to- allow God to heal my heart. If my mouth kept speaking hate, that would slow the process.
Be patient – Like grief, healing is not a straight line – no matter how badly we want it to be. Some days will be easier, some days will be more difficult. Be patient, show yourself grace.
xo – Kristi
